(Told by an Ananda devotee)
Whenever I had found myself in trouble before, Swamiji would send me a simple message: “Tell her she is making a mistake.”
If he hadn’t done so, I might have found a way to rationalize my actions. Instead, I was never able to commit to the course I had chosen. I might not understand why it was a mistake, but I couldn’t forget that Swamiji thought it was.
As I thrashed about in the sea of delusion, his words kept me tethered to Master (Paramhansa Yogananda). And when I was ready, they were my lifeline that brought me safely back to shore.
Now I was in trouble again – much worse than anything I’d done before. This time, my actions were jeopardizing not only my own well-being, they threatened to be disastrous for many others as well.
Swamiji was out of the country so we talked on the phone. Before and after the call, I was almost paralyzed by grief and shame over what I had done. While talking with him, however, to my astonishment I found all my emotion subsiding. I was absolutely calm, and not the least bit defensive. I knew that everything he said was true, and I agreed with him.
He scolded and scolded and told me how disappointed he was in me. He would pause for a moment, then scold again. At least it felt to me like a scolding, but in fact I think he was just talking in plain, objective terms about the consequences of what I was doing.
In the midst of it all, his energy suddenly changed completely.
So gently, so sweetly, he said, “You know, of course, my love is always with you.”
“Yes,” I said, “I know that.”
Then he went back to scolding me.
I promised to do better, but it was a long time before I was able to keep the promise. He knew that I was floundering, and he sent another message: “Tell her to sing Master’s chant, Polestar of My Life.”
Over and over, I sang that chant until it was blazoned on my soul.
I have made Thee Polestar of my life.
Though my sea is dark
And my stars are gone,
Still I see the path,
Through Thy mercy.
When I finally saw Swamiji again in person, my life was more on track. However, I was so ashamed of what I had done that I couldn’t bring myself to greet him.
When he saw me standing as far away from him as possible, he came right over to me. Immediately, he told me that Master was pleased that I was working things out now in the right way.
I had always been afraid to open myself to Swamiji’s guidance for fear he would ask me to do something I wouldn’t be able to do. Behind that fear was the thought that if I disappointed him, he would never love me again.
I have suffered intensely over the wrong things I have done. Even though my suffering has transformed me spiritually, I cannot sincerely say “I am glad it happened this way.” Too many other people were hurt.
There is one reason, though, why I am glad. Now, I know the pure, unconditional nature of Swamiji’s love.