Swami Kriyananda planned to attend a fundraising dinner in Sacramento. As Ananda’s sole photographer, it fell to me to take pictures of the event. But I didn’t want to go, and I pleaded illness.
“So you’re sick,” Swamiji said matter-of-factly when he saw me the day after the dinner, his voice impersonal and tinged with irony. I hadn’t fooled him.
In truth, I had desperately wanted to be sick. My ego had been bruised again and again in Swamiji’s company. I was acutely self-conscious, hyper-aware of my faults, and didn’t welcome the opportunity to have them painfully exposed yet again.
And, well, that was my problem. As I would learn, oh-so-slowly, Swamiji didn’t care about my faults at all, whether imagined or real. He knew them all, yet he never weighed them against his love for me. What he was concerned about, and what he was relentless in trying to help me learn, was the right attitude.
It would take years, but I eventually concluded that what pleased Swamiji and won his approval most reliably was my own happiness. And what was it that made me happy? After trying everything else, I realized that I was happiest when I could just be a simple person and devote my full energy to forgetting myself in serving God’s work and giving His love to others .
I found that it wasn’t a question of pressing myself into the mold of a “spiritual” person. And it wasn’t what my behavior looked like from the outside. What mattered was how I vibrated inwardly.
“Lord, what has Rambhakta ever done for me? Help me to forget this silly old person and be a simple instrument of Your friendship, kindness, compassion, joy, and good cheer.”
When I was able to pray sincerely in that spirit, I found God responding. I found in my meditations that if I could plumb the depths of my being, and find the attitudes of a simple devotee and a child of God, I was happy and comfortable in my own skin, including when I was around Swamiji.
My greatest treasure has been the happiness that my first halting steps toward the right attitude have brought me: when I have succeeded in forgetting myself and expanding my awareness to include others. I may only have earned my learner’s license, but I will testify that if you’re looking for joy, don’t worry about what it looks like to be joyful. By watching the people who are the happiest, I think you’ll see that they are steeped in attitudes of selfless service.